Now that I have my feet firmly planted back on Vancouver soil, I can go back to criticizing the city I love and love to criticize, and now that I have a blog I can subject more of you to my banter. First victim of my attack: Vancouver Public Library's main branch.

Beautiful as it may be, the library is lacking something, cool. Stepping into the glassy, coliseum-like building you feel openness and energy and are surely thinking the very same thing I thought as I first walked in, "Where's the Daft Punk and shooter girls?" Surely if there some tracks from "Discovery" were cranked and scantily-clad hussies doing body shots, the library would be fast on its way to becoming the cool spot that it dreams to be. Alas, instead of young, hot under-35s grinding eachother on top of vertical files, the typical scene inside the library is something like this.

"Pardon me, grandma, where's the closest spot I can grab a King Kong?"

Ascending on the elevator hoping to find some hidden niche of cool I am startled to find nothing but a seemingly endless supply of students, octogenarians, and bearded guys there for the washrooms and free heat. How could this be? How could one of the coolest looking buildings in the city be filled with some of its lamest inhabitants. There are even computers there so that people can use the internet in public. People, the internet is like masturbation, something we all do (some of us too much), but should only be done behind closed doors with the closest of friends or exceptionally attractive acquaintances. Nothing kills a party like bringing out the internet or saying "I'm going to jerk off in the middle of the room". In order to cure these problems, a cover charge and security staff need to be put in place. In no time the less desirable crowd will vacate. With no more seniors or crusty, questionably-homed people to bore them away, a new hip and affluent crowd will assume their place.

After searching without success for a cool nook in the library I am mortified to find a complete lack of hip. No mirror balls, no strobe lights, no VIP room, no music (though there is an entire section supposedly devoted to it), no girls gone wild, no big spenders, no excess. The only lighting I encounter is from fluorescent tubes, there is nothing less sexy than fluorescent lighting. With this many floors you would imagine that there would be any combination of chill-out rooms, laser shows, DJs, live bands, mosh pits, dance floors, and go-go dancers. NONE! The library's entire concept of entertainment needs a restructuring, with a little thought and effort we could have a veritable one-stop Ibiza in our back yard.

I think that with Vancouver's hosting of the olympics we need to move further towards becoming the capital of culture, civilization, and cool that the rest of the world looks up to us as. The perfect start for that is the re-branding of Vancouver's library as an entertainment mecca for all the world to gaze upon, much as the original Coliseum was.